Life

Love Galore

I think this time around hurts me more

for some reason the pain of being in this relationship doesn’t stop and I can root it all to

him cheating on me when I was getting my life together

him having feelings for Kelsey and continuing to low key pursue that when he was in a relationship with me because the right thing to do would’ve been to cut things off

him picking Mona over me many times, defending her feelings over mines. Not standing up to me when she would call me a bitch and lying to me about her.

Just him not respecting our relationship and still sending messages one shouldn’t while in one.

Overall just keeping girls around when he shouldn’t.

Having people come up to me as a woman

what’s good in trying to fix things or even work on things if the damage is done?

I knew it was going to be hard but I never thought I’d be this emotionally exhausting. My anxiety is through the roof. It’s so painful. I’m in so much pain it’s fucking ridiculous.

There’s nothing he can do because time after time no matter what, he always let’s me down. He always says he’s going to stop the lying, it’s going to be different this time, no more lying, but. It. Doesn’t. Just last week? When him and I were on bad terms not exactly broken up but just rocky, that whole Jessica thing happened. He lied to me about it AFTER we had the porch swing discussion. AFTER he said he was done lying and REALLY wanted me and this relationship.

When is it going to the the last “this time it’s different”? When is it going to be the last “I promise no more lying” or the last “I promise I’m not going to hurt you”

WHEN?

do I even want to find out?

I’m hurting so much

im so emotionally exhausted from crying every night and day

I feel like I’m suffocating and drowning at the same time because im with someone who doesn’t love me who keeps on hurting me and lying to me and entertaining others

who isn’t considerate of my feelings and the kind of place I’m in

becau when your girlfriend is THIS FUCKING LOW, do you really think that making new friendships and lying to her is the thing that’s gonna make her feel reassured? Or that sending winky faces to kassy-the girl you tried to date twice is gonna make you feel reassured? Or calling me out when John sent that fucking heart for no apparent reason with no connotation and probably best bet a fucking mistake because he has a girl when you’re fucking sending this girl winky faces, does he think that’s fair? That not letting me know what he’s doing most of the time is okay? I’m not usually this crazy and high maintenance but y’all try going through what I have for the past two years, it’ll change you and not for the better.

He keeps saying I’m “the one” the one to hurt and play with?

If only he knew how much hurt I’m in

if only he knew what it was like to go through everything he put me through

he says he doesn’t feel appreciated

but think about how I feel?

How i felt all those times I love him, purely and wholeheartedly and he was keeping things from me-still is.

My time and efforts have never been appreciated because of his actions

he says it’s in the past, yes, it is, but what he fails to realize is that he himself repeats the past. That I hurt and it doesn’t go away by repetitive actions

I’ve never found comfort in lies and yet that’s the only type of comfort I’ve ever gotten

I don’t find comfort in him still talking to people he has tried to date, no matter how “good of a friend they are” if you can’t bring the conversation to light or have to lie about the people in it then you’re already in the wrong. Stephs blanket? Try again liar.

I don’t find comfort in the fact that he can’t trust me with someone like John because he somehow feels uncomfortable when my actions towards John and his towards me just scream friendship. I’m sorry I failed to text you while out with someone who I haven’t seen in MONTHS while I’ve NEVER given you a reason to distrust me. It was just two hours and those two hours shouldn’t erase all the trust you’ve put in me these past two years, understanding that reassurance would’ve been nice but even when I failed you shouldn’t have made it that big of a deal, considering everything.

I don’t find comfort in the fact that he wants to marry someone who he thinks that lying to comfort and reassure is a necessity when I’ve cried and begged for honesty-even if the truth hurts, many many many times

I don’t find comfort in the fact that he’s treated me like shit and expects me to be okay and over it.

Or in the fact that he’s done so much damage and I’m hurting but he’s fine.

I don’t know what to do.

I can be having a nice shower but I think about that one time when we were both out of work at the same time and he went to get pizza with Mona knowing I wouldn’t be okay with it. Knowing it wasn’t cool or fair. Knowing that it was wrong. How can someone like that claim to love me?

how can someone who’s hurt me so much say they never want to see me hurt as they’re stabbing me more… deeper than last time. How can someone say I’m the love of their life when all they’ve been consistent with is pain?

you’re not in love. It’s not love. He’s not in love.

Hes seen me cry, my heart breaking in front of him, and he still continues to do the same things.

Yeah, sure, the Jessica thing was a minor thing but just the FACT that he lied… AFTER he told me this time was going to be different just a week ago..

its not about giving him time to learn, and it’s not about telling him what’s right and wrong. He knows. I’m just not the one. It’s simple. If he truly cared, as much as he says he does, his actions would be totally different.

I know I shouldn’t have to ask for this much reassurance, I know he still wants and seeks attention even if it’s a little bit, elsewhere, that’s why the whole Jessica thing happened. I’m not stupid and maybe he did want a friend but the whole thing was shady and given the person he is, it definitely was an attention thing. Take it as an insult or not, it’s the truth.

he can’t just stay loyal to me.

what I ask for isn’t much, I’m just asking the wrong person, I’ve been holding on to hope that he’ll change, and I guess I’ve been lusting over the hope rather than the man that stands in front of me.

Because if he did TRULY care for me, then the whole Jessica thing wouldn’t have happened because that, is literally the epitome of what has always happened, our issues and most of our break ups.

him comforting me with lies, keeping things from me, and seeking even the slightest bit of attention elsewhere. He says he’s just a friendly person but so am I, and yet, my friendly-ness doesn’t come back to hurt my significant other.

 

and it hurts, and he doesn’t seem to understand that because he keeps doing the things that hurt me. He can keep promising me everything under the sun moon and stars but I have to realize that I’m getting nothing of what I ask for, nothing I give him because I’m not the one and it’s not me.

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